Saturday, June 25, 2011

Lack of inspiration

I haven't written in a while.  Reflecting on why not I answered lack of time, too busy, new life etc. but looking deeper I realize I have a void of inspiration lately.  I recently crossed the stage and left my college life far behind me with a blink of an eye.  I moved to my favorite city of all time Washington DC where I wanted to start a new life of my own.  With my car loaded with all my clothes, books and personal belongings, I left (mostly) everything behind in my home of Florida.

Since being here I have experienced so many ups and downs.  I've let myself start obsessing again over toxic things that I know really don't have any power.  I've been comparing myself to others, with dialogues that drive me insane, "she's thinner, she has better arms, cuter style", I've been judging myself and my food choices, "don't pick that it's too fattening".  These constant dialogues may sound "normal" and you may think everyone has thoughts like this so it's okay.  Imagine a life without these inner-dialogues though. Imagine a judgement free life - a true one.  Where nobody is better or worse.  Imagine how freeing that would feel.

So where do I think this sudden judgement and thoughts are coming from?  Why I am suddenly choosing to connect with the world through such toxic means?  I believe that through the excitement and stress of getting to DC, finding a new job, moving in with my boyfriend and starting this new grand life I've lost connection with myself and the ability to be at home with myself.  I haven't given myself credit for the things that I've been able to accomplish, I haven't given myself compassion for the times that I have been rough and I haven't spent time with myself doing things for just me, with nobody else in mind.

I am tired of these thoughts, these judgements, this lack of passion in my life.  I want to promise myself to try and find that source of inspiration in my new life that kept me going in Florida.  I know I don't have the same systems of support here and that means I'm going to have to create it for myself.  After the last two years of hard work and determination to find myself again, I'm not about to lose her.

This post is to promise to myself and to the world that I am going to try my absolute hardest to reconnect with myself, to give myself the love and compassion I deserve and to try and lead a life without judgement.  I want to find new sources of inspiration and share them with the world.

Keep ordering,

B

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